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Masked Secrets*
Tuesday, November 14, 2006

So how do you know when something is going beyond friendship into flirting... where's the line... is it excessive touching? Eye contact.... the need to impress the other person? Or is all that really in a way just a part of friendship... Why can't there be some definitive answers on this stuff? I'm not down with this well maybe if he... or maybe if you... I want something concrete damnit! I want to know if the guy who baby's me when I feel bad, meets me at the door of a building that I'm coming into anyways for a hug, and plays around with me as if he's completely comfortable with me is just my friend or is he looking for something else...and should I be? But here's my problem... I assume.. perhaps incorrectly... I don't know... that if someone doesn't come up to me and say "hey lets go out" or "hey I want to get to know you better" that they dont...its as simple as that. But the thing is...I'm not that way... I would never just go up and so those things to a guy... and yeah I know its the 21st century but I'm just not down with that whole 'girls asking guys out' thing. Honestly I just want to know something about all or any of this... I'm tired of tiptoeing around my friendships with guys that I might have an interest in because I'm clueless of what to do... I shouldn't have to do that... and I don't want to... oh well... yeah that's it for today... because my day... other than the breif classes I had... basically revolved around working with someone who puts me in this position... and I have no idea what to think....nothing new there...until next time....

take off ur mask... 8:16 PM

Monday, November 13, 2006

Yeah so I suck... I make promises like "I'll update my blog" and I dont keep them... news to me? nope. That's part of my problem with life in general... I keep promising myself things and then I don't follow through. "I promise I will stick to the healthy foods I bought this week"... "I promise I will get that work done ahead of time so I don't feel stressed at the last minute" ... "I promise I will exercise because I always feel good when I do"... "I promise I will say what I've been wanting to say to that guy, rejection be damned".... "I promise that today I will be positive and not let things people say get to me".... you starting to see a pattern here? Yeah...I thought so. For some reason I can't keep that sort of agenda. I fix myself a healthy, fulfilling meal but at the end of it... even though I'm not still hungry... I eat more junk... its completely unnecessary and I know it... I know it while I'm doing it.. yet I continue on. My roommate is trying to become the world's skinniest woman, just to win back a guy, when she wasn't even fat in the first place. She is always making comments like "I'm so fat, you guys just don't understand how much I hate being fat." I probably outweight her by 50lbs. I keep saying that the next time she says it I'm going to ignore it and not get my feelings hurt... but I can't... I keep on letting my feelings get hurt and then I get angry with myself... and then I do something like eat a bunch of crap and feel even worse. Its just one huge circle that I can't seem to break...or maybe on some level I don't want to...even though I feel like I do. And there was this guy... I liked him... we were friends...or are friends actually.... we flirted... he started dating some chick... a little, cute chick... and even though I know I didn't actually come out and say that I liked him and that he didn't date her to personally hurt my feelings...that's how it feels. Then there's a friend of mine... and he's just a friend.. I've not thought of him as anything more than a friend...until a few weeks ago...suddenly things were awkward between us and neither of us had really done anything different than usual that I could tell. I blew it off...just one of those weird things... then about a week ago... I was with a girlfriend of mine and her roommate and found out just through casual conversation that they both liked/like him and both tried to set themselves and each other up on dates with him.... suddenly I was jealous...but why? He's just my friend... shouldn't I be happy if he were to date another friend... yes...I should be...but I was really uncomfortable with the conversation.... I didn't say anything but it has been in the back of my mind and I don't know what it all means. Maybe I like him... I don't want to....I don't want to have feelings for anyone because I know how it will turn out...and I'm tired of that particular ending... I need a break from it. I need a break from a lot of things... school as well... this semester has just kicked my ass six ways from sunday. I haven't been happy at home... I don't like my living situation... I haven't really been happy with myself and there are a couple of my classes that I don't like, but have to have that are just beating me...and I can't seem to force myself to put in the required effort. Yeah I know.. its stupid and lazy and that makes me feel even worse. I feel a little better having said all this but... its not great... I can't wait for next semester... Scene Design... Advanced Stagecraft... StageMake up...YES... finally the one class that applies to what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know I'll be happier next semester... if for no other reason than shop and make up... in fact one of the only times I feel good and am happy this semester is when i'm with my friends/family or when i'm in the shop. It sounds a little weird...and I'm not necessarily good at it but I like it there... we all are jerks to each other but the first time someone doesn't feel well or gets hurt everyone rushes to them... its because we all love each other really... its that fun kind of meanness that you can do to people you like and at the end of the day they've only called you names and you've only insulted them because you like them. I feel useful in their too... I can do things..and when I do things in there I see the end result immediately....its nice to see the show you've been working on for a month and point to something and say "I built that" ...I made it...its a really good feeling...I love being there and i"m glad I have to be there next semester... aside from speaking with a few of my friends here, the few who are back home and being with my family its what keeps me sane. And that's another thing... my family... there is major turmoil there..... my aunt and uncle are splitting up and they are being stupid about it... its the kind of split up that you can tell shouldn't be happening... they both clearly love each other but are both too stubborn to admit it... its hurting everyone... my other aunt refuses to get away from her abusive boyfriend... something else that is beginning to affect everyone... and my mom has not been in the best health this semester... she's actually had to go to the hospital once because we thought she was having a heart attack... its been really stressing me... she's fine now... and my dad's been in pretty good health... but for some reason where my parents are concerned I've been really focused on death... afraid that if I don't say "Lord protect them" in my prayers every night that they won't be here when I wake up. Its hard for me to not think of it and though I'm doing better there aren't many nights when it doesn't cross my mind at least once... I know that's not natural and I don't know why it keeps coming back to me.... apparently I don't know a lot of things though...I keep finding that out more and more.... about myself, about other people... about life in general... I've been on this earth for over 20 years and I know about as much as a rock... which isn't a lot... but what I do know...and what has helped me out this this... even though they may not always be right beside me... there are people who care about me and I care about them. They don't mind if I call them crying and sometimes they cry with me... I can rant and rave and yell at them about what makes me mad and I get the priviledge of letting them do the same to me. My family and my friends I keep realizing more and more are the most important things to me... they mean everything...and even though I know we say that often...when you actually realize it its something altogether different. I just thank G-d for them, and for life, no matter how badly I feel about it and keep trudging on through... besides... what more can you do?

take off ur mask... 5:28 PM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Wow, its coming down to crunch time at school. I have quite a load of work going on and very little motivation to do it. typical. At any rate there's only just over 3 weeks left I believe so that is good. And then will come summer. No school which is nice but there'll be work. I'm not sure that's a good trade off but oh well, at least it's a change. Hopefully I'll be able to remember to update this thing more regularly then than I have here lately, or well the entire time I've had the thing for that matter. so yeah, wow this is short. I wanted to update but obviously I don't have much to say. Mores the pity. Until next time....

take off ur mask... 11:09 AM

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

~{Current Mood: Passive, slightly depressed}~
~{Music: Jimmy Buffett- A Pirate Looks At Forty}~

Alright well let's see. It's been a hell of a week so far. But, I'm going home on Friday morning. A friend that moved out of state a while back will be home for the weekend so I get to see her which is cool. However, I just joined the J.A.F.A. club and they're doing some stuff this weekend that I feel like I should participate in but I can't break my promise. Oh well! Speaking of J.A.F.A. though (that's the Japanese American Friendship Alliance). I did go on the camping trip with the club this weekend. WOW. Much fun, and very very interesting. Let's see what I can say about that. Friday Ivette and I got there fairly early and didn't really do much. We set up our tent, made a run to the most expensive gas station I've ever been to in my life, played kick ball for a while, and then finally (once everyone arrived) settled down around the fire with everyone else. Everyone stayed up fairly late, and in the end there were only a few of us up, one (dusty) playing the guitar, and another guy (ricky) banging on a cooking pot while ivette, todd and I sang, and laughed. Oh yes and Friday we experienced the first two accidents, which would be matt cutting his hand chopping wood and jeremy tripping over one of the unlit firepits and cutting his legs and breaking a flashlight clean in two. (I'm still not sure how he broke that flashlight!) Friday night was really cold out, the only thing nice was the fire which we eventually abandoned (all but ricky who had drank 6 cups of coffee and matt who was determined to sleep outside by the fire), and the tent was unfortunately even colder, but we did get a little sleep. Saturday proved to be a bit more productive. In the morning ivette and I just sorta hung out by the fire for a bit before we joined the majority of everyone else in a nearly 3 hour long game of hackey sack! Much fun!! After that there was a wood gathering expedition and then everyone but ivette, masami, dusty, jeremy, todd, and I took a nap and so the 6 of us decided to go down to the parks acquarium, spring, and then the playground (we were at Magnolia Springs by the way). The spring was cool, there was an alligator on one bank (some people were picknicking by it, wtf?), about 90 turtles and some of the biggest fish I've ever seen in my life, they were carp I think. Anyways then we went on to the acquarium which was mildly interesting and then to the playground where we got our third accident of the trip. After dusty/todd/jeremy pushed masami/ivette/I on the merry-go-round, and after a play on the sea-saws, we got on the swingsets. Several of the guys were swinging high with the intention of jumping off and unfortunately for dusty his swing couldn't handle it. The hood holding the swing to the chain slipped out and down he came. Ouch!!! We suspect he broke his butt!! Afterwards there was the walk back to the camp site and everyone finally got woken up. We built a big fire and pulled the tables around it and then a little fire to cook on. Everyone got their food, squished in around the big fire and enjoyed some refreshments and a rousing game of 'never have i ever' before people started heading off to sleep. After that it was mostly just a few of us left up talking about random stuff and dusty and ricky playing their guitars. Finally, early in the morning, ivette left me and the guys and then shortly after it started to rain and we all abandoned the fire (after much effort) to go sleep in our cars. Sunday it rained pretty steadily the entire time we were there so basically we cleaned up, packed up, took some group pictures and got out of there. So that was indeed the camping trip. Very fun as I said before. After all that sunday I was definately wore out but had to attempt to practice my duo scene for the fundamentals of acting class I'm taking which didn't help me b/c my partner and I both lost our lines at one point so that was sort of a failure. Oh well! As Dr. Whitaker says "Can't win them all Linds.!" Too true. So what else, got a test in Environmental Bio. in the morning and a quiz in the Bio Lab. That sux, oh well, can't do anything about it. Went to go see a play last night too....that sucked as well....we almost didn't get in and then we ended up having to leave before it was over. Monday started a bad week for me, its gettin a little better though. Hopefully that trend will keep up, I dunno though, you never can tell. Anyways now that I've ranted about the only thing even mildly interesting that has gone on recently in my life I'm done. Wow, the longest post yet. *sigh*

I'm soooo ready for summertime.... damn that was random...oh well
Adieu & bonne nuit

take off ur mask... 5:01 PM

Monday, February 21, 2005

Appologies first off, I haven't updated this thing since I've had it. What a wonderful first impression. Ha! At anyrate here I sit, alone, thankfully in my apt. Well, that's sort of a lie, my muse is here, doing what he does best, nothing. Giving me no inspiration whatsoever ::glares:: I should fire him. Just ask Ivette if you don't believe me, he's a good-for-nuthin'-smart-ass!!! Take that!!
Anyways, lets see, what has happened that is of interest. Ah, nothing as usual. Even now this is the most productive thing I've done all day besides work on an illustration of my beloved Erik (Opera Ghost) and that tart of a woman he loves in the story, Christine, gag me! It's coming out rather well however, the first real drawing I've done in months. The last was a random image of my favorite galactic bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Yeah I know, from Star Wars to Phantom, go figure. Oh well, there's my eclectic good taste for you.
Oh, random point of interest. Going camping with Ivette and the JAFA club this weekend. YAY, woods, tents, no heat, so I'm excited, sorta. Yeah...I am really. I'm sure it will be fun. At least it isn't the norm. which is thankful , I do so tire of doing the same things every weekend. So we'll see how that turns out. And now, since I feel better about adding something to this thing, I am off. Perhaps I'll finish the drawing tonight, doubtful but perhaps. In the meantime I hope that I shall be granted the inspiration I'm needing so badly of late for all of my endeavors (art, writing, music, etc), and I know just the person who can help me with that ::glares once more at her muse:: if he shall commit himself to such a task. If not, perhaps I'll just throttle him
{Muse}You most certainly will not throttle me!!
::pouts:: He's really no fun at all........
Au revior and bonne nuit
May the Angel of Music sing you all to gentle sleep.
(That's if I don't get my hands on him first ::wink::)

take off ur mask... 7:25 PM

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Anubis - god of the dead. Sometimes he is my muse, my inspiration, though his is not the name under whom I worship. Posted by Hello

take off ur mask... 4:27 PM

Time flies by, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning and by the time you've blinked its nearly dusk. Amazing. I cannot help but marvel at these workings of nature and time, and space. And sometimes, only sometimes I wonder why God would put such splendid things here for us to see and then I wonder if he can see them as well. Surely he can. But on occasion I think that if I had that much power would I be willing to give all of its beauty to my creations? Perhaps that's why I am not God. Good thing. I'm not quite sure why I'm feeling so, religiously philosophical today? It happens from time to time. But back to the original subject, time. I don't seem to have enough of it, and then sometimes there is too much. I suppose that is just the way of it, but it never seems to quite work out in ones favor. Maybe that's a good thing too, teaches us to appreciate it, I hope, I think. Hmm..maybe that's the problem then, too much thinking in such a short span of time. Ah well, mores the pity. Short again I know, I'm getting better at this though. Adieu

take off ur mask... 4:23 PM

Monday, January 24, 2005

Today, the first of what I hope to be a long running of endless, mindless, sometimes emotional ramblings that mean something to me, at least in my own head. This is going to be short, almost absurdly so, however, perhaps the length of the night will allow for more time to add something to this. Till then, adieu

take off ur mask... 5:00 PM

The Masked