Yeah so I suck... I make promises like "I'll update my blog" and I dont keep them... news to me? nope. That's part of my problem with life in general... I keep promising myself things and then I don't follow through. "I promise I will stick to the healthy foods I bought this week"... "I promise I will get that work done ahead of time so I don't feel stressed at the last minute" ... "I promise I will exercise because I always feel good when I do"... "I promise I will say what I've been wanting to say to that guy, rejection be damned".... "I promise that today I will be positive and not let things people say get to me".... you starting to see a pattern here? Yeah...I thought so. For some reason I can't keep that sort of agenda. I fix myself a healthy, fulfilling meal but at the end of it... even though I'm not still hungry... I eat more junk... its completely unnecessary and I know it... I know it while I'm doing it.. yet I continue on. My roommate is trying to become the world's skinniest woman, just to win back a guy, when she wasn't even fat in the first place. She is always making comments like "I'm so fat, you guys just don't understand how much I hate being fat." I probably outweight her by 50lbs. I keep saying that the next time she says it I'm going to ignore it and not get my feelings hurt... but I can't... I keep on letting my feelings get hurt and then I get angry with myself... and then I do something like eat a bunch of crap and feel even worse. Its just one huge circle that I can't seem to break...or maybe on some level I don't want to...even though I feel like I do. And there was this guy... I liked him... we were friends...or are friends actually.... we flirted... he started dating some chick... a little, cute chick... and even though I know I didn't actually come out and say that I liked him and that he didn't date her to personally hurt my feelings...that's how it feels. Then there's a friend of mine... and he's just a friend.. I've not thought of him as anything more than a friend...until a few weeks ago...suddenly things were awkward between us and neither of us had really done anything different than usual that I could tell. I blew it off...just one of those weird things... then about a week ago... I was with a girlfriend of mine and her roommate and found out just through casual conversation that they both liked/like him and both tried to set themselves and each other up on dates with him.... suddenly I was jealous...but why? He's just my friend... shouldn't I be happy if he were to date another friend... yes...I should be...but I was really uncomfortable with the conversation.... I didn't say anything but it has been in the back of my mind and I don't know what it all means. Maybe I like him... I don't want to....I don't want to have feelings for anyone because I know how it will turn out...and I'm tired of that particular ending... I need a break from it. I need a break from a lot of things... school as well... this semester has just kicked my ass six ways from sunday. I haven't been happy at home... I don't like my living situation... I haven't really been happy with myself and there are a couple of my classes that I don't like, but have to have that are just beating me...and I can't seem to force myself to put in the required effort. Yeah I know.. its stupid and lazy and that makes me feel even worse. I feel a little better having said all this but... its not great... I can't wait for next semester... Scene Design... Advanced Stagecraft... StageMake up...YES... finally the one class that applies to what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know I'll be happier next semester... if for no other reason than shop and make up... in fact one of the only times I feel good and am happy this semester is when i'm with my friends/family or when i'm in the shop. It sounds a little weird...and I'm not necessarily good at it but I like it there... we all are jerks to each other but the first time someone doesn't feel well or gets hurt everyone rushes to them... its because we all love each other really... its that fun kind of meanness that you can do to people you like and at the end of the day they've only called you names and you've only insulted them because you like them. I feel useful in their too... I can do things..and when I do things in there I see the end result immediately....its nice to see the show you've been working on for a month and point to something and say "I built that" ...I made it...its a really good feeling...I love being there and i"m glad I have to be there next semester... aside from speaking with a few of my friends here, the few who are back home and being with my family its what keeps me sane. And that's another thing... my family... there is major turmoil there..... my aunt and uncle are splitting up and they are being stupid about it... its the kind of split up that you can tell shouldn't be happening... they both clearly love each other but are both too stubborn to admit it... its hurting everyone... my other aunt refuses to get away from her abusive boyfriend... something else that is beginning to affect everyone... and my mom has not been in the best health this semester... she's actually had to go to the hospital once because we thought she was having a heart attack... its been really stressing me... she's fine now... and my dad's been in pretty good health... but for some reason where my parents are concerned I've been really focused on death... afraid that if I don't say "Lord protect them" in my prayers every night that they won't be here when I wake up. Its hard for me to not think of it and though I'm doing better there aren't many nights when it doesn't cross my mind at least once... I know that's not natural and I don't know why it keeps coming back to me.... apparently I don't know a lot of things though...I keep finding that out more and more.... about myself, about other people... about life in general... I've been on this earth for over 20 years and I know about as much as a rock... which isn't a lot... but what I do know...and what has helped me out this semester...is this... even though they may not always be right beside me... there are people who care about me and I care about them. They don't mind if I call them crying and sometimes they cry with me... I can rant and rave and yell at them about what makes me mad and I get the priviledge of letting them do the same to me. My family and my friends I keep realizing more and more are the most important things to me... they mean everything...and even though I know we say that often...when you actually realize it its something altogether different. I just thank G-d for them, and for life, no matter how badly I feel about it and keep trudging on through... besides... what more can you do?
